The Buffy And The Hat
by Reallybored2
Summary: What ReincarnatedBuffy/Harry did at the Sorting Ceremony.
1. Chapter 1

**DISCLAIMER:** Regardless of any current rumors floating around, the truth is: **I OWN NOTHING HERE!** _Buffy the Vampire Slayer_ and all materials, characters, settings belong to Joss Whedon and his associates. J. K. Rowlings invented and wrote _Harry Potter_ and all his weird and wonderful little friends. If you recognize anything, remember, **IT'S NOT MINE!**

Sorry to say I'm not planning on taking RECYCLE, PLEASE! up to a fifth chapter. After I finish chapter four, and put a complete on it, I'll consider what Reincarnated Buffy/Harry will do next.

However, while I was thinking about that story and its direction, a nasty little drabble started forming in my head. Deciding not to allow it to fade away, I wrote it down, cleaned it up a bit, and served it to you-My readers. :)

**M2M2M2M2M2M2M2M2M2M2M2M2M2M2 M2M2MM2M2M2M2M2M2M2M2M2**

What Reincarnated Buffy/Harry did at the Sorting Ceremony.

**M2M2M2M2M2M2M2M2M2M2M2M2M2M2 M2M2MM2M2M2M2M2M2M2M2M2**

**The Buffy And The Hat**

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Albus! Quickly! Do something!" Minerva McGonagall shouted frantically. Her hands clamped over her ears.

"I am trying, Minerva! _I am_ _trying_!" Headmaster Albus Dumbdore roared back, desperately waving his wand over the shrieking Sorting Hat. The sound doing the impossible by cutting through every silencing spell used on it. Dumbledore was beginning to suspect the sound was mostly mental instead of completely aural in nature.

It was the boy (_That Boy! Albus growled to himself_), Harry Potter, who earlier in the evening had done what a thousand years worth of students, accidents, Castle shaking events and Goblin attacks had been unable to do-Break the Sorting Hat!

**Earlier, in the Great Hall . . .**

_ "Potter, Harry!"_

_ The exclamations and whispers began immediately. Albus watched with twinkling eyes as a small boy, with green eyes hidden behind rectangular lenses (Albus inwardly frowned-Whatever had happened to those round-rimmed glasses he had given Petunia to give to Harry? The ones that had been James Potter's?), and a thatch of wild dark hair hesitantly stepped forward._

_ No matter, Albus decided, relaxing. A trivial thing-The boy still resembled his father enough to cause James Potter's enemies to remember mistreatment at James' hands; enough to pour ill will down on his son's head._

_ As for the rest . . .Albus was pleased to see a tiny, black swathed figure timidly approaching the Hat, his head slightly down, his hands hidden in the bunched up folds of his robe's sleeves. The Headmaster smiled gently, certain he was seeing a humble, uncertain, fearful child. A child who would need guidance, and-_

_ **WHOOSH!**_

_ **"AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"**_

_ In front of his disbelieving eyes, a shocked Albus Dumbledore witnessed little Harry James Potter drop the concealing sleeves and reveal a tall can of muggle hair spray in one hand, and in the other hand, a cigarette lighter similar in design to his own deluminator. With a savage grin on his face, and a happy mad cackle, Harry James Potter turned the can of hair spray into a homemade flame-thrower!_

_ Fortunately, the Sorting Hat was well protected and bespelled against flames._

**DaDaDaDaDaDaDaDaDaDaDaDaDaDa DaDaDaDaDaDaDaDaDaDaDaDaDaDa DaDaDaDaDaDaDaDa**

So, why the devil was it doing still screaming?! Dumbledore silently cursed, waving an ineffectual Elder wand at it.

"I was wrong, Minnie!" Shouted Severus Snape. His own hands tight against his ears.

"In what way, Sev?" McGonagall yelled back.

"The Boy! That boy is going to be a far worse menace then his father had _ever_ been!" The darkly scowling Potions master spate out.

Minerva McGonagall silently sighed, wincing in pain-For once, she glumly agreed, for just once, in a Universe stopping moment, Serverus Snape just might be right about a Potter!

**M2M2M2M2M2M2M2M2M2M2M2M2M2M2 M2M2MM2M2M2M2M2M2M2M2M2**

Okay, I sense pitchforks and torches being picked up . . .For those of you confused about the title-Buffy can mean Bunny, like in rabbit. Like in rabbit out of the hat . . .And, oh, boy, I can feel that mob getting bigger!

Anyway, I was thinking what a big chunk of coincidence it happened to be that Harry ended wearing the same style of glasses his father used to wear.

As for why the Sorting Hat was 'stuck'? Harry got some hair spray into the Hat's 'eye' first, causing it to yell in surprise (Pain? Nah, I doubt the Hat can feel pain. Hey, it's a freakin' construct made out of leather and fabric, not a living thing!). Then the sticky hair spray set, getting the hat stuck on that yell. As for why I don't believe Silencing spells would have done any good, well, the thing has no lungs or vocal cords, but it's still able to be 'heard'. After Harry lit the hair spray, the Hat's own protection spells kicked in, protecting even the sticky foreign crap on it.

Yeah . . .Okay, it's about to hit 5 in the morning, and I want to get some sleep. Hours from now I'll reread this-And wonder what the hell was I think? But that's for later; for now-Nighty-night, and thanks a bunch!


	2. Chapter 2

**DISCLAIMER:**I own **NOTHING HERE! NOTHING!** J. K. Rowlings created and owns _Harry Potter_ along with all associated characters, settings, and materials. Joss Whedon and his group created and own _Buffy The Vampire Slayer_, as well as anything and everything connected to it. **I OWN NOTHING HERE! IF YOU RECOGNIZE IT, IT'S NOT MINE!**

Okay . . .Once again a nasty little story popped into my head. I've resigned myself to the notion that as long as I'm going to be working on _Recycle, Please!_ these weird little ideas are going to be showing up. Essentially, they're distractions, and I figure the best way to deal with them is to write them down and publish them.

Not that I'll be writing them in any particular sequence, or for that matter, too many of them-They're just bits and pieces of possibilities, 'road not taken' sort of thing.

So, here it is; thanks for reading it.

**DODODODODODODODODODODODODODO DODODODODODODODODODO**

Dumbledore makes an unsettling discovery.

**DODODODODODODODODODODODODODO DODODODODODODODODODO**

The Devil Child

He was evil. Forget Dark, the boy was _**E V I L**_.

Dumbledore sat slumped in his chair, in numb silence as a foaming at the mouth Molly Weasley raged on the other side of his desk.

"_**SCREECH! SCREECH! SCREECH!"**_

Perhaps he should have been paying closer attention to Molly-"_**SCREECH!"**_-Or, perhaps paying less, Dumbledore winced. Regardless, the red headed woman's tantrum was almost negligible in the face of the problems with the Boy.

Oh, true, the problem with the Hat had been bad enough, a harbinger for certain, the Headmaster reflected. However, Harry did seem to settle down after he was allowed to choose his own house. The Hat adamantly refusing to sit on the boy's head-Or for that matter, stay in the same room as him. He recalled an all too happy Harry skip over to the House of the Badger, and take his seat, while his pale, anxious house mates cringed away from the sadistic little pyromaniac.

Then came Halloween.

A troll rampaging within the ancient halls of Hogwarts-And a young damsel in distress to rescue. For Dumbledore the event seemed like a perfect opportunity to test the mettle of a young hero.

Ah, and in true, heroic Gryffindor fashion the boy performed brilliantly! Fearlessly subduing the troll and thus saving young Miss Granger!

However . . .

A hog-tied troll on the floor of a girls bathroom was one thing; but a hog-tied troll on the floor of a girls bathroom with Ronald Weasley's frantically kicking legs protruding out of it's rear end? That scene had been completely unexpected. Worse and worse, was the look of blissful pleasure on the troll ugly countenance. That image had been sincerely . . .disturbing. Once pulled out of the troll's backside, the Bubblehead charm covering the boy's head deflated and dispelled, depositing the filth, covering the air bubble, directly onto the howling boy's head and face. The only silver lining to the event was that all the choking, gagging, and vomiting the boy ended up doing stopped the exceedingly loud noise coming from his mouth for a while-Molly Weasley's offspring, indeed.

Hours after the 'incident', in spite of the vial of calming potion forcefully poured down the unfortunate boy's throat, young Mr. Weasley continued to wail and cry for his mother. Smirking and refusing to apologize to Ron Weasley for what he had done to him, Harry explained how it was Mr. Weasley's fault Miss Granger ended up in the bathroom, and how he needed a lesson after nearly getting the poor girl killed.

Molly Weasley's unexpected arrival touched off a relatively minor confrontation between the Boy-Who-Lived and the red headed Woman-With-The-Painfully-Loud-Shrill-Voice. Minerva was still making repairs to the room where it took place.

"_**SCREECH!**_" Dumbledore winced again. The Headmaster silently admitted feeling apprehensive about his plans, as the Boy seemed to have taken a general dislike to the two Weasleys prominently featured in them. Maybe Ginny Weasley would prove a better match?

"_**SCREECH!**_-how dare!-_**SCREECH! SCREECH!**_-never in my life!-_**SCREECH!**_"

Albus Dumbledore cringed. Yes, the Boy was truly evil.

**DODODODODODODODODODODODODODO DODODODODODODODODODO**

Yeah, I know, I know . . .Molly Weasley is _suppose_ to be some type of 'Motherly' figure. But honestly, the woman is a monster! Sure, having to deal with, and clean up after, seven interesting and imaginative kids can cause almost any woman to become a loud, shrill harpy. Then again, it isn't just the mouth, if you follow the book series, there are all sort of troubling hints about the woman's darker personality.

And, yes, Dumbledore absolutely deserves every second of her company and mouth!

As for Harry's treatment of Ron-Remember, the original set up by the Weasleys, at the station and the train, was possible only because Cannon Harry was an ignorant, naïve and _desperate_ eleven-year-old child. Reincarnated Buffy/Harry is going to be looking at Ron and the Weasleys through the memories and harsh experiences of a twenty-one year old Slayer and woman. So, no friendships there; but there is a possibility of a relationship with Hermione. Obnoxious and rude personality aside, Hermione's thirst for knowledge, and her willingness to work hard, and her dedicated solid loyalty to her friends is bound to cause Harry to take notice of her, and to make comparisons to Willow.

Hence, Ron's verbal assault on the girl, and making her cry, was not going to go unpunished.

So, I end this little bit, and hope it hasn't been a complete waste of your reading time.

Thanks, and Bye!


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